Avoiding violence

It is almost impossible for a non sadist to understand what makes an abusive person "tick".  Most abusers have a personality disorder, & this cannot be fixed.  It is not a condition, it IS their personality.  My ex is a Narcissist with other issues, others might have different labels, but a dear friend of mine summed things up very well.  He told me, "You do not need to know why a dog is mad, you just need to know that he WILL bite you."

The best course of action if your life is in danger is to leave.  Now.  Put as much distance between yourself & your abuser & cut ALL contact.  However, if this is not possible right now, then a careful strategy might help to delay the next incident.  Be vigilant and keep your guard up, do not lie.  Bare in mind that abusers have an uncanny ability to "read" people, & yours knows you well.  Do not overdo things because if your abuser thinks you are "playing" him, he could turn very violent, very quickly.

Abusers are sadists.  They hurt you for many reasons, but understanding his motivation will not change anything.  They have poor impulse control.  You are not responsible for his actions, & nothing you do will stop certain personality types needing to control you, nor stop their violent rages.

You are dealing with a control freak who has sadistic urges & needs to save face in public.  He will show others (outsiders) a different face, & may be very well liked.  He will try to convince you that his outbursts are your fault, not his.  There is seldom true guilt -  Most abusers do not accept responsibility for their actions, & as such, cannot feel guilt nor remorse.  It is everyone else's fault bar theirs.

He wants to keep his reputation, & he knows that society frowns on men who beat women & children.  He will be keen to keep the abuse secret.  For this reason, he will not let you call for help, & will do his best to stop you getting any help or assistance.  He will do all he can to prevent anyone hearing you scream or cry. He might have already developed his cover story to explain sounds or bruises, & this could be anything from telling people you take fits, are a bad drunk, have an illness where your skin marks for no reason, that someone else is hurting you, or that you faint & hurt yourself when falling ....Anything.  They are crafty, sly & compulsive liars.  Often, people are shocked when abuse is revealed -  IF they ever do get wind of it.

Either way, once he gets going it is unlikely that anyone will help you - & he would already have convinced you that nobody will believe you if you tell them about the abuse.  Violence seldom exists without threats & intimidation, so he might have convinced you that if anyone questions him that he will hurt someone/thing that you hold dear.  He is a bully, plain & simple.  He is also very dangerous.  

Consider the following when working out your survival strategy

Never argue or disagree with him - He is your master

Do not discuss how you feel -  He will let you know how you should feel, behave accordingly

Ask for his opinion before you make decisions - Be careful to do this in a way that cannot be interpreted as sarcasm

Give him total control - Of your mind, your money and your feelings

Compliment him on things that HE is proud of - Appearance, strength, intellect, ideas, fitness levels

Never make plans - He will decide when you go out, where you go, what you wear, how you get there and when you leave

Stop - Friends, hobbies, working (if possible), seeing family.  To avoid wrath, you need to focus only on your abuser & his needs/wants.  Any deviation will incite rage.  You cannot show any fondness for anyone else, even your children can be a threat & therefore a target for his rage.

Worship him -  Hang on his every word,  look at him when he speaks, listen to what he says.

Abusers are jealous, not because they feel anything for you, but because they OWN you.  You exist to make them feel good.  They are your only job, your reason for living.  Behave accordingly.

Abuse is progressive and escalates.  As time goes by, your confidence will plummet, your power will diminish, you will get more & more confused.   This situation is totally beyond your control.  You are being manipulated by a master, & no matter what he says, he is not capable of love.  You make his life easier, & enhance his existence.  Above that, you do not matter to him at all.

Having a strategy may delay the next inevitable attack, but not for long.  Walking on eggshells could buy you & your household some time, but the only solution is to get away.

GET AWAY while you can still walk - or crawl

Get away & NEVER look back

In the following video, please note the comment at the end :  There is NOTHING anyone could have done to prevent violent behaviour in the home.  Nothing YOU do can prevent violent behaviour.  Walking on eggshells & trying to change another person's mood is not an option.

Domestic Violence Awareness

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